


I'm gonna pick up these pieces and build a lego house

by zaynfreakingmalik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, its not one of the boys that dies i could never do that tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 06:31:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynfreakingmalik/pseuds/zaynfreakingmalik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry’s older sister- Gemma commits suicide, however Harry refuses to believe it. It isn’t until he meets a sandy coloured, suspender wearing boy that he begins to realise that his sister really is gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm gonna pick up these pieces and build a lego house

”I want you to know how sorry i am. And none of this could ever be your fault, i promise. I swear on everything i am, or, well, was. I swear that you’re my baby brother and i love you, but there comes a time when it isn’t enough anymore. So i’m sorry, i know you saw me as strong, or put together. But i’m not and I never was. My smile, my laugh, my voice, everything about me became so fake. It begun to be painful to be me. One day you’ll understand, but i hope to god you never feel the way i did- you mean too much for me for that. You’re in my heart forever, whether it’s beating or not.

-Gem x.”

 

That was it. That was all my mum and me got. A useless, messily written, quarter of a page of words. The note had to be pried out of my long white fingers, it was scrunched in there so tightly, and my hand was numb and stiff from being held in that singular fist motion for so long. And all I could think about was how she couldn’t even write a couple of more words. She couldn’t try to explain it better. She never talked to me, or us, or my mum, or hell even Robin like this. And now it was all gone and all that was left was this stupid paper that was ripped out of one of her notebooks and left on her unused bed.

“Harry?” Mum’s panicked voice immediately echoed throughout the lonely, silent house- how different it seemed without Gem here anymore. “Harry?!” my mum repeated, sounding even more worried, her voice ending in a waiver, I glanced up, I could hear her downstairs, there was no shuffling around. She hadn’t moved, as usual from her seat, she couldn’t even come upstairs to properly find me. It had been about a week since I’d find the note, since I had turned Gemma’s room upside down, frantically trying to find her, I tried calling her, texting her, explaining to her that she needed to get her ass back home now or mum and Robin would find out and kill her. Not a wise set of words to use on my behalf.

Then Robin sat down with me, he grabbed at my shoulders, forcing me to calm down as I stood there, panting, the note scrunched in my hand and I eyed him wildly, hoping to god he didn’t notice that Gem was gone. She was my older sister and she always snuck out, she loved winding up mum like that, and usually I’d have to cover for her, or she’d cover for me. But now…

“Harry. Your sister’s killed herself.”

**

“We are gathered here today to mourn the death of one-” the priest’s voice just faded into the background and I sat back in the uncomfortable creaky bench, I pushed my thumb and index finger into my eyeballs, glad for the small sense of relief and comfort it brought me. I hadn’t slept, I hadn’t eaten, I hadn’t done anything for at least three days now except for sit in Gemma’s room and wait for her to come back. She always came back. She’d leave, she’d get in a tiff with mum, but she’d always come back. She always came back for me, that frozen giggle implanted in her mouth as she waggled her eyebrows at me and would show off a new piercing, or her haircut, or pictures she had taken.

This entire funeral service was so bizarre I felt like laughing loudly, cutting off the minister and grabbing the microphone from him- pulling a Kanye on him. Somehow that didn’t feel appropriate though. Mum was frozen and pale beside me, her hands clutched in fists in her lap, her knuckles white as bone. Robin sat next to her, they weren’t touching, and they barely looked like they were breathing. Finally I lifted my head up as the minister called up the first person to speak- Nina Corcoran- Gemma’s best friend who was crying uncontrollably. I shook out my shaggy brown head of curls and chewed down on my pale pink lip, watching as she rose unsteadily from her seat and began to walk up the aisle. It struck me that it almost looked like she was walking to her wedding, up the aisle, the wedding march started up in my head and I tapped my foot on the smooth ground below me to the beat. Except she was wearing layers of black, instead of white lace. She wasn’t crying tears of happiness. There was no Prince Charming waiting for her at the end. No, just a coffin and a cold, dead body which I refused to believe was Gemma’s.

**

“- That’s when I knew she was my best friend, she had the infectious smile and laugh that I would have loved to have. She had the personality of a thousand buzzing bee’s. She was beautiful. She was Gemma” Nina finished shakily, tears falling on her own crumpled piece of paper she read off. I awoke with a small start at the end of her speech and clapped my hands together once, for a moment forgetting where I was, however when nobody else joined in on the clapping it became apparent that at funerals- clapping wasn’t exactly appropriate either. Robin shot me a small glare and I stuffed my hands in my pockets hastily, glancing back down at the ground and my scuffed, faded black Vans.

It was the small snort of contained laughter that shook my out of my reverie. I craned my neck backwards, trying to catch whomever had just let out the small bite of laughter that was obviously directed at me and my inappropriately timed clapping. I caught a sneak of sandy coloured hair sinking down in his seat, the boy sitting next to him was blond, short and has blushing cheeks and he looked like he was swatting the sandy haired boy, cursing him for the laugh. I sat up slightly straighter on the bench and the blond boy caught my eye, he winced and mouthed a ‘sorry’ to me, blinking in surprise when I offered him a small smile, I turned my neck nearly all 18o degree’s, surprised that it didn’t crack or break off, the minister was talking once more, no doubt calling someone else up to talk about some scripted bull about my sister.

Then I saw him.

He was wearing black suspenders with a tight fitted formal looking black shirt, as well as black jeans from what I could see. He was averting his eyes desperately, it was obvious he could tell that I was scoping him out, but finally he glanced up as the blond tugged on his sleeve looking annoyed. My eyes widened slightly in surprise as I saw the first bit of colour on the boy. Blue eyes. His eyes caught mine and for a second they just sat there connected then however there was a pulling of my arm and I glanced back to see Robin looking at me crossly, leaning over mum who was just staring ahead blankly.

“Harry for god’s sake! Get up there” he whispered to me looking mutinous. I raised a single brown eyebrow then realised that he wasn’t the only one looking at me.

Oh shit.

I was meant to say something.

I quickly rose to my feet and trodded up to the podium, the minister patted me on the back sympathetically and I couldn’t help but give him an annoyed look.

“Erm. Hi” I spoke into the microphone, it squeaked with feedback and I winced, pulling it away from my mouth and waiting for it to return back to normal. Fuck me this is awkward... I thought to myself as I scanned the sea of faces gathered here. For my family, for me, for Gemma. This was seriously getting ridiculous. I cleared my throat nervously, eyes still digging into my mind, I glanced down at the microphone trying to collect my thoughts.

“So erm…. basically… well… you know… I’m… uh, I’m Harry. Styles. I mean- I’m- I’m Harry Styles.” I muttered in a low voice into the microphone. I blinked and looked back up at the expectant faces staring back at me, all clad in black clothing.

“I’m Gem’s brother.” I lifted a shoulder in a half shrug, feeling like I was back in high school giving a speech about nocturnal animals. That’s when it struck me that Nina had used words such as was and had. As if Gemma didn’t have any of those things anymore. As if she wasn’t anybody anymore. As if she wasn’t anything. I must have looked ridiculous, standing up there, my mouth slightly hanging open as I squinted into my thoughts. Past tense’s. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to level my thinking.

“Gemma’s… fantastic. I mean… she always looks out for me” I begun to say in a slow voice. I could hear some people rustling about in their seats now, obviously uncomfortable with the fact that I was using present tense’s. Unfortunately I couldn’t seem to hide the small smirk climbing on my lips, lazy, and lopsided. I gathered my courage to look straight at the blond and sandy coloured haired boy, the blond was blushing furiously, looking confused and uncomfortable but the other boy- he seemed interested, his eyes were serious as he watched me carefully.

“What’s your name?” I heard myself finally ask into the microphone, looking straight at the sandy coloured haired boy. The boy blinked in slight surprise and the blond boy’s eyes widened comically. I tapped the microphone, some people were beginning to talk in low voices, eyeing me with concern.

“What’s your name?” I repeated, this time louder and more clearer, a few people turned in their seats to look at the boy I was eyeing unshamefully, to his credit the boy didn’t bat an eyelash or even blush he just simply stood to his feet, his deep blue eyes still connected to mine. Then he turned and walked, straight down the aisle, shuffling past people and muttering low apologies before turning his back to me and strutting right out of the church at an almost leisured pace.

Whispers broke out, some people not bothering to be quiet about how rude the boy was for walking out of a service. I, however just stood at the podium as the church doors swung shut, all heads turned to follow the boy who had just left, fully grinning to myself now.

**

“You always pull stunts like that then?” A quiet, yet slightly hoarse voice asked me from behind, I pulled myself away from the group of people that had collected around myself, mum and Robin, all of them sympathising with us, handing us useless dishes of food as if we were ill and patting us on the backs. My eyes widened slightly as I caught sight of the suspender wearing boy, beside him stood none other but Liam Payne. My sister’s ‘kind of, except not really, he’s just insanely cute, you know?’ boyfriend. I eyed Liam and he offered me a small, soft, sad smile in return, the blond boy was nowhere to be seen.

“Hey Haz. Hope you don’t mind that I brought some of my mates” Liam spoke as I turned my entire body now to face them completely. I glanced at Liam once more and shrugged non committed, my eyes however were like magnets and kept being dragged back to the other boy.

“What does it matter?” I asked back, in a challenging voice to the hoarse voiced boy. The boy smiled lightly and shook his head, not bothering to comment.

“Uh- this is Louis.” Liam introduced awkwardly, his brown eyes were even more puppy dog like when he was sad. I never minded Liam, he always seemed alright to me, he was nice enough, and he made my sister happy. But right now he was annoying the absolute fuck out of me.

“’M Harry” I replied shortly, my eyes still on the boy- Louis. Louis folded his hands neatly into his jeans pocket and glanced around the small collected church.

“Sorry for walking out. Didn’t mean any disrespect.” Louis spoke again, his eyes floating over to my family. I shrugged once more.

“’s alright, I can be a bit of an arsehole sometimes.” Louis looked like he might laugh, his eyes sparkling and wide but Liam shot him a small warning glance and he immediately shut his mouth once more. Robin seemed to spot Liam because a moment later I felt a hand placed on my shoulder and when I glanced up Robin was smiling slightly, yet the smile wasn’t reaching his eyes as he looked at Liam.

“Ah, Liam. Glad to see you made it, lad” Robin said easily. Liam nodded respectfully and Robin lifted his hand off my shoulder, beckoning for Liam to come over to my mother and him so they could parade and introduce him to others at the service.

Just Louis and I now. Silence enveloped us for a long beat. Then-

“Wanna get out of here?” I asked, raising an eyebrow, Louis’ own eyebrows raised up onto his forehead,

“Um- you sure you should be doing that?” He asked me looking unsure. I glanced back at Robin and my mum- who still seemed to have disappeared somewhere far away. I held out my hand for Louis and Louis barely hesitated, slipping his hand into mine and allowing himself to be tugged quickly out the doors of the church and into the empty hallway leading outside. I ignored the feeling of his hand in mine- it was ridiculous to think or presume that this boy fancied me, or thought anything about me, or hell, if he was even into boys like that. I remember that Gemma had been the first person I had ever even told that I, myself, was into boys like that.

“Will you get out!? Jesus Christ Haz” Gemma pounded on the bathroom door impatiently, I swiped at my eyes quickly,

“Give me a second!” I called back unsteadily. Gemma snorted,

“You’ve been saying that for about 360 seconds now.” She shot back through the bathroom door. I glanced at my red rimmed eyes in the bathroom mirror and squeezed them shut, determined to stop crying. This was pathetic. Hiding in the bathroom, crying my eyes out like some 7 year old boy.

“HARRY. GET. OUT.” Gemma yelled, pounding on the door once more.

“For fuck’s sake, fine!” I cried back, yanking the door open angrily. Gemma’s eyes roamed my face and her fist fell from where it had been frozen in mid air, halfway through pounding on the door.

“Harry? What’s wrong? What’s happened?” She asked me, her eyes wide in concern. I shook my head, but my eyes did not seem to want me to be a man today because they welled with tears once more as I breathed in shakily through my teeth. I felt a soft hand tugging on my chin, forcing me to look at her. I finally met her eyes, her own hazel ones were soft with shock and she was biting down on her bottom lip.

“Who hurt you?” She whispered- hardness and determination written in her eyes.

“You sure this is okay? After walking out the first time I don’t think your folks are very fond of me,” Louis whispered, a small, sneaky grin creeping on his own soft, pink lips. I laughed quietly, tilting my head back and letting the sun soak onto my face. Despite the mood inside the church- outside it was quite pleasant. It was warm, the sun had snuck out from behind the white fluffy clouds and I was sprawled on a park bench, the church was distant but still visible to my eyes. Louis was on the ground, his back leaning on the bottom lip of the bench I lay on. His soft, straight hair was close enough for me to reach out and touch, tug, stroke. Jesus I sounded creepy.

“It’ll be fine.” I replied, my own hand behind my head as I lay on the bench, Louis eyed my star tattoo slightly, it was fainter now then when I had originally first gotten it, showing it to Gemma proudly who had just snorted and rolled her eyes at me.

“That hurt? Do you think it’ll hurt as much as when your parents castrate me?” Louis added as an afterthought. I snorted myself now,

“Nah. It was the good kind of pain. Gemma told me I should get one and I didn’t know what to get so I just got a star” I shrugged. Louis turned from where he was leaning on the bench, his face leaning in slightly closer to me,

“I’m sorry I never got to know her.” He voiced quietly. I blinked and glanced back up at the sky.

“It’s fine.” I replied, hating where this conversation was heading. Louis however was the first person to actually notice and care that I didn’t want to talk about it.

“You say that a lot” he commented, lifting up a single hand and pulling it through a few of my curls gently, I closed my eyes against the feel of his hand carding through my hair.

“Say what?” I murmured, letting the sun bathe us from where we were sprawled.

“It’s fine.” Louis whispered, his voice was clearer and closer to me now and I smiled slightly, enjoying the feeling that he had possibly moved closer to me once more. “It’s okay for stuff to not be fine, you know. You don’t always have to have everything put together. I don’t have anything put together right now, plus I now have to add the fact that your parents might kill me at any second for being a disrespectful bastard” Louis added, a small hint of teasing in his voice.

“You’ll be fine.” I repeated, smiling up at the sky. “If not, then I’ll protect you.”

“It’s stupid. Can I go?” I replied, trying to push away from Gemma. However she kept her eyes trained on me, not budging from the bathroom doorway.

“No. You’re my baby brother. Now who’s making you cry, you twat?” She asked, I rolled my green eyes,

“I’m not a baby,” I muttered feeling even more childish now. Gemma let out an impatient sigh. I swallowed and glanced back up into her eyes which were watching me seriously. Gemma never judged me. In fact, she was a pretty spectacular sister.

“…I’m gay.” I breathed. Gemma barely even blinked, she didn’t move from where she stood and raised a single eyebrow, waiting for me to carry on.

“Okay.” She replied. I coughed in surprise. This wasn’t how I expected her to react. She was an amazing sister, but… she couldn’t possibly be this amazing, could she?

“What’s the big? I’ve got loads of gay friends” She shrugged, once more making me feel like a child. I glanced down at my feet, shuffling my feet around, unsure of what else to say.

“I- I like this guy” I finally carried on; Gemma fell silent, patiently waiting for me to carry on. “And… I thought he liked me. But-”

“But he didn’t?” Gemma finished for me gently. I shook my head quickly, a few more tears slipping down my already salty wet face. I glanced up at Gemma, her eyes were caring, and understanding. Which was ridiculous because Gemma wasn’t gay- yet how could she understand this, any of this so well, when not even I did?

“What happened?” She asked me, not bossily or pushing me this time, patience and sympathy arising in her voice.

“I just- I don’t know what I was thinking. But, i… I kissed him. And- he. He just pushed me off and called me a faggot, said that people like me should be put down” and then the tears began to fall freely and I bit down on my quaking bottom lip, Gemma wordlessly pulled me into her arms, hugging me tightly, knowing that that was just what I needed, I clung to her desperately, squeezing my eyes closed as more tears slipped down my face.

“Don’t ever listen to them. They don’t know you, Harry. Not like I do. They’re wrong. They’re so, so completely wrong about you.” She whispered into my hair, brushing the curls back with one of her hands as I sobbed quietly into her arms, my body shaking as she held me up.

“What if they’re not? What if, what if there’s something wrong with me?” I squeaked back unsteadily, my breath hot and fast in her ear. She hugged me tighter, shaking her head.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all, you don’t have to change yourself. Others do. You’re fine, and if they don’t think you are then screw them, you don’t need them. I’ll protect you.”

“Do you mind if I ask something?” Louis asked me, the sun was setting now, however the church was still just as full, if not more so, with people, carers, people crying, mourning. It made me feel sick. I rolled my head to the side, Louis lay beside me now, he had said the ground was uncomfortable and he was cold. I had dutifully ignored the hopeful lurch in my stomach as I had moved as much as I could to make room for Louis. The boy was skinny and easily fitted himself on the bench, lying down on his back, following suit with me and looking up at the sky.

“You’ll probably ask anyways” I replied carelessly. Louis let out a small, infectious, adorable sounding laugh, and although I had heard it many times by now, it still felt like warm fire lighting next to me.

“How come you didn’t have a speech prepared? You know, uh, for Gemma?” Louis asked quietly. I blinked and swallowed uneasily, both of our faces were turned to face each other now, I could feel Louis’ breath on my lips, heating up my cheeks, a blush spreading throughout my face, down my neck, through my collarbone. I leaned slightly closer to the suspender wearing boy, his eyes travelled down to my lips. I didn’t want to answer his question. So I simply didn’t. Instead I bridged off the gap between our face, my lips hovering over his teasingly, Louis’ tongue poked out of his lips to quickly lick them nervously.

“Harry…” He whispered, I shook my head and he immediately fell silent as I slowly pushed myself onto his lips, he let out a small noise in the back of his throat and then one of his hands had reached up to my hair, pulling it gently, I pushed down on him slightly more harder and he let out a small gasp as I pushed his lips open with my tongue, sliding it in with ease, he wasn’t particularly kissing back, and his hand was still tugging on my curls, pulling me, but not towards him, no. Away from him. A distant memory threatened to surface, of my first kiss with another boy, how the boy’s hands had been large and rough and had shoved me back violently, my head slamming into one of the lockers as the black haired boy had snarled at me. Then Louis successfully pulled me off, gasping for air, I pushed myself off him, feeling a mixture of emotions rise up,

“Harry-” Louis immediately spoke, still panting.

“Don’t.” I sharply replied, Louis reached across, reaching for my hand but I snatched it away, jumping to my feet.

“You should leave.” I spat out at him, not even knowing why I was so angry, but I was. I was murderous that he was just coming here, and making me want to kiss him, then pulling me off, and messing with my head and everything was a mess and I couldn’t wait to go home and talk to Gemma, tell her what had happened-

Oh.

“Harry-” Louis rushed out again, also getting to his feet, but making no move to leave.

“Fuck off!” I yelled at him, jerking away from him, my breath was coming out short and ragged. Louis blinked and a small look of hurt passed his face.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you, Harry, can we talk, please?” Louis whispered, looking helpless. I turned my head away from him, suddenly blinking back furious, thick and hot tears.

“No.” My voice cracked on the single word, Louis took a tentative step closer to me,

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked me, his voice still a quiet whisper, so quiet that the wind almost seemed to carry it away.

“No.” I repeated my own voice a whisper as well now. Another small step towards me, Louis reached out for my hand again, I limply stood there, lights now shimmering out of the occupied church.

“Are you mad at me?” Louis asked, brushing a curl out of my eyes with his free hand. My lip was suddenly shaking and I just shook my head quickly, trying to still the tears that were draining out of my eyes quickly.

Louis fell silent, his hand still holding mine tightly, despite the fact that mine was larger then his, I hated silence’s like this. I felt like Louis was waiting, expecting me to talk, and I almost wanted to talk, to say something, to explain, but at the same time I didn’t. I wanted to talk, and I wanted him to understand. But nobody did, the only person who did was Gemma, and I never knew how she had done that.

“I miss Gem.” I finally just whispered, hanging my head as more tears slipped off the crook of my nose. Louis let out a small half laugh half sob and he pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly, just like Gemma once had. He was half rocking me as he hugged me; it felt like we were in this small, slow dance in the dark.

“Oh god.” I whispered, pressing my face into his shoulder, and letting out a loud sob. “I miss my sister, Lou.” Louis was nodding against my chest, he was slightly shorter than me, but right now I didn’t even notice it, I couldn’t bring myself to notice or think about anything.

“Where is she? Where’s Gemma?” I asked, beginning to sob loudly, rocking my entire body as they reverberated through me.

“She’s somewhere else, she’s somewhere happier.” Louis whispered, his breath tickling my ear lobe.

“Wasn’t she happy with me though?” I whisper, my voice breaking almost embarrassingly. Louis let out a shaky breath and pulled away from me, the soft pad of his thumb brushing away any loose tears.

“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry okay?” Gemma whispered to me, having finally of let go of me, I leaned on the doorway, closing my eyes, suddenly feeling very tired.

“What are you going to do?” I dared to ask her, swallowing nervously. Gemma offered me a small smile,

“Show him what happens when somebody hurts my brother.” She replied, winking at me, trying to make me smile, laugh, anything. It appeared to work, I chuckled to myself weakly, reopening my eyes,

“Don’t.” I protested, sounding half hearted. Gemma rolled her eyes at me, patronisingly

“No, really. Gem- you don’t have to do that” I repeated, more meaningfully this time.

“It’s not just cause you’re my brother, alright? Don’t go all afternoon special on me or whatever. You’re… you’re one of my best friends Hazza, besides I’m totally for LGBT rights” Gemma bit down on her lip, a small blush creeping up on her cheeks, I smiled slightly, leaning up on the doorway.

“You’re one of my best friends too Gem” I replied, that lopsided smile beginning to light up my eyes. Gemma smiled charmingly, glad to see me smiling. She held out her pinkie for me, just like we used to when we were children. Rolling my eyes this time I enlaced my pinkie in hers, even though she was older she was shorter and smaller than me, my pinkie easily pushed over hers and she pulled me into another hug, this time more gently and softer.

“Even when we’re old and wrinkly, yeah Haz?” Gemma teased softly, I laughed as I pushed her away jokingly,

“That’ll just be you Gem, I’ll be this stunning forever.”


End file.
